


Where Were You?

by dimi13



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 04:10:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8563483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimi13/pseuds/dimi13
Summary: Inspired by "You Found Me" by The Fray~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Hello?" "...." "Ah...it's you again. Hey there. How've you been?" "...." "You know, we've spoken many times before, so there's no need for the dramatic silence." It takes a few seconds for D.O. to finally respond. "...Can i ask you something?" "Sure. Ask me anything you want." "...How do you do it?" Jongin notices how the tone in D.O.'s voice has changed. There's something different about him. I guess it's just one of those days. "How do I do what?" "...Live..."





	1. Phone Call

It's a cool Friday night. It had been pouring all day long, but luckily the downpour had stopped just in time for Kim Jongin's shift at the Crisis Center. He was glad he was able to ride his motorcycle instead of taking the bus. He enjoyed the time alone. He relished in the cold touch of the air against his hot skin. He also enjoyed the smell that lingers in the air after it has rained. He's always loved that. He arrives at the crisis center right on time just like always. He volunteers every Wednesday and Friday from 6 to 10 pm. Jongin doesn't remember when he began volunteering at this place. It's been a while, but he like being here. Being more mature than his age lets on, Jongin is aware that there are people out there, in the world that, for some reason or another, feel all alone. They feel that the world has given up on them and, as a result, most of those people begin to give up on themselves. It's because he knows this, that he can't just sit back and not do anything to help those people. It's that feeling someone gets when something bad happens and they know they could've prevented it, but they didn't. The feeling afterwards, that they should've done something. It's a decision they can't take back. It's that feeling that Kim Jongin doesn't want to experience.

Jongin starts to get comfortable in his chair inside his little cubicle, when the phone rings. Riiiinng. Riiiinng.

"Hello. Thank you for calling the crisis helpline. How may I help you?"

"....."

"Hello?"

"....."

Jongin figures it's the first time this person has called a helpline. 

"That's alright...whenever you're ready to talk I'm right here. Take your time."

Again no response. A minute has passed and Jongin's pulse quickens. He begins to imagine the worst outcome behind the reason for the silence. 

"Hey are you-"

The voice cuts him off before he can continue.

"I'm fine. Physically anyway."

Relief washes over Jongin as he hears the other man's voice. He lets out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding. 

"That's good. I'm glad you're okay."


	2. Lost

The moon has risen in the night sky. The darkness of the night, for some, signals the end of a long day. For others, it is only the beginning.

It's 6pm on a friday night and Kim Jongin is already sitting in his chair. Confined inside the four walls of his cubicle. He's waiting. Waiting for a specific phone call and a specific caller. The caller, it seems, only prefers to speak to Jongin. So, as a way to keep the mystery person calling and receiving help, Jongin decided it was best of both him and the caller came up with nicknames to better communicate with each other. The rules of the crisis center didn't allow for confidential information of the volunteer and the caller to be released. Unless, it was an emergency. The nicknames had to be done. The caller decided Jongin was to be called Kai. While, Jongin opted to nickname the caller D.O.

D.O. has been calling every wednesday and friday at 6:15 pm. Always asking for Kai. It had gone on like this for a little over a month. Jongin had found out that D.O. attended a private university, where he was majoring in music. Specifically focusing on singing. It turns. out, D.O. had gotten a full scholarship almost a year ago. However, according to D.O., his scholarship was in danger of being revoked because he hasn't been doing well in his classes. It seems he had stopped attending his class all together and the music that once was his everything...the singing...it seemed D.O. had completely given all of that up. Since Jongin himself was a dance major and that was really all he knew. It was his life. Jongin could relate to D.O. in some ways. He knows what it's like to have something you love and enjoy so much, that you are willing to dedicate your mind, body, and soul to it. What Jongin Couldn't understand, however, is why would someone who is so passionate about something they love, one moment, suddenly, willingly, give it up. The reason behind that decision is something D.O. hasn't spoken about and Jongin won't push him to explain. D.O.will tell him only when he is ready.

Riiinng. Riiinng. Jongin turns to look at the clock. It reads 6:15 pm, Right on time. Jongin can't help the smile that forms on his face. he knows who's calling. Without realizing it, he had become very fond of D.O. He liked to hear his voice over the phone. He looked forward to it all day.

"Hello?"

"...."

"Ah...it's you again. Hey there. How've you been?"

"...."

"You know, we've spoken many times before, so there's no need for the dramatic silence."

It takes a few seconds for D.O. to finally respond.

"...Can i ask you something?"

"Sure. Ask me anything you want."

"...How do you do it?"

Jongin notices how the tone in D.O.'s voice ha changed. There's something different about him. I guess it's just one of those days.

"How do I do what?"

"...Live..."

Jongin sucks in a breath. There's so much hurt in D.O's voice as he says that one word. He sounds so defeated. Broken. Jongin is taken aback. One word. Live. Jongin never thought it was possible for one word to carry so much emotion. So much pain. It scared him, but he wasn't so much scared for himself. No. He was scared for D.O.

"uhm...Listen-"

D.O. cuts him off. 

"How do you wake up every morning and find the energy to get off of the bed? How do you wake up without instantly deciding that you hate today? How do I do that? Because, when I open my eyes in the morning...I'm already wishing, that the day, that hasn't even started, was already over and done with!"

D.O. is speaking really fast. He sounds out of breath. He sounds desperate.Like he's at his wits end. It hurts Jongin to hear D.O. speak this way. Of course, that doesn't mean he felt any different when he heard other callers speaking in the same manner, but D.O...

The only thing Jongin wishes that he could at this very moment, is to have the ability to teleport to the other side of this phone call and pull D.O. into his arms. To be able to promise him a better tomorrow. He let's out a frustrated sigh.

"D.O. slow down. Just take a few seconds and breathe." Please.

Jongin can hear the other man inhaling and exhaling. He continues.

"About what you've asked...Honestly...I don't know. You really can't just make everything alright. It takes work. You have to want to be happy. You have to want for things to work out. Your actions have to reflect what it is you want."

"Don't you think I've tried! I-"

It was Jongin's turn to cut D.O. off.

"Cutting class? Giving up on singing? The one thing you were most passionate about, you just dropped it. You think that's trying?!"

Jongin knows he's crossing a line, but he's frustrated. Angry. He feels all this. That, and a little bit of fear. He doesn't want to hear D.O. talk like this. He knows it doesn't make sense to feel the way he does about someone he has never met before, but he can't help it. There's just something about D.O. Jongin calms himself a bit before speaking again. He swallows. 

"D.O. Listen...I'm sorry I yelled, it's just..."

He sighs. He's about to talk again, when D.O. speaks.

"You're right. I haven't tried. What have I done? Nothing, That's what. I swear...sometimes..."

Jongin waits for D.O. to continue.

"Sometimes...I feel that everyone around me would be better off without me."


	3. Fooled

Kim Jongin can't even begin to imagine the way D.O. feels. He can't. He won't be able to understand the pain in D.O's heart. All the disappointment and guilt. Deep emotions that threaten to tear D.O. apart. Jongin can't understand. Nonetheless, Jongin tries to steady his rapid heartbeat and makes an effort to try. 

"D.O...come on, don't think like that. Think of your friends and your family. I'm sure they wouldn't be happy seeing you hurt. "

D.O gives out a tired laugh. 

"See me? Please. My family can't see me. Just like I can't see them either..."

"Why?"

The moment the word leaves Jongin's mouth, that's when he realizes that D.O doesn't have any family. HIs heart aches for him.

"They're gone, Kai. They left me a while ago. The only thing I have of them are the memories they left behind."

"But...what about friends? You said you went to school. You must have some friends."

"Yeah, I have friends. I room with one of them, actually. I also have one who has been my friend since we were kids. We're practically brothers..."

Jongin starts to feel a bit at ease. D.O has friends. So, he isn't as alone as he thinks. All, Jongin would have to do is tell him just that. Those friends of his practically sound like family. However, instead of doing that, Jongin freezes at D.O.'s next words.

"...but...my friends...they're all busy with their own lives. They go to school and work. They each have someone they care about and to focus all their attention on. If I were gone...yeah, I guess they would miss me, but, with time, they would forget me. They would go on living their lives like always. They would manage just fine without me."

Jongin can feel D.O. slipping away from him. He tries to think of something to say to D.O. because the more he thinks about it, he just can't bear the thought of him completely disappearing. 

"D.O. listen-"

"It's okay, Kai. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I think I know what you're thinking. Don't worry. I know I've probably said some...worrying?...things, but I swear I'm not planning anything. Please trust me."

Jongin doesn't know what to say. He wants to believe D.O., but after all that he has said...he doesn't know what to do. Should he give him the benefit of the doubt? 

It doesn't even matter what it is that Jongin decides to do because D.O. has already made a decision.

"Kai, I can tell that you're having a hard time deciding what to do with me. How about I make it easy for you?"

"Easy? What do you mean?

"How about I make a promise?

"A promise?"

"Yes. A promise. I promise to call you again on your next volunteer day. This way you won't have to worry about me tonight."

Jongin thinks that D.O. has completely lost his mind. How is he supposed to trust him to call on Wednesday? Sure, he has been doing that for a little over a month, but this time it's different. D.O. is different. 

"Look, Kai. I know this isn't one of my better ideas-"

"You think?"

"...Please trust me. Just this once."

Jongin know better. He knows he should be sending someone to D.O.'s place by now, before it's too late. If this were anybody else, he probably would have already. However, for some inexplicable reason, Jongin doesn't do that. He feel that hen can trust D.O. He can trust the promise that is being made. So, he agrees. They agree that D.O. is to call Kai on Wednesday at 6:15 pm. Jongin tells D.O. not to try anything rash, which only works to make D.O. chuckle. They say their goodbyes and hang up. Both anticipating the phone call, next Wednesday night at 6:15 pm.


	4. Destiny At Its Finest

~Tuesday evening~

It's been four days. Jongin hasn't been able to get a good night's sleep ever since that night. He had been tossing and turning at night, worried if he had made the right choice. It had gotten so bad that he had now started watching the news channel religiously to check if their were any reports about 'fatal' incidents. Suffice to say that Kim Jongin was slowly losing his mind. Of course, his downwards spiral did not go unnoticed.

His roommate noticed and decided to get Jongin out of the apartment for the evening. He tries to convince Jongin to go and meet his current boyfriend of 3 months. Jongin's roommate knows Jongin can't really say 'no', since his boyfriend just happens to live in the same apartment complex, one floor below them.

"Jonginnie! Come on!"

"No, Chanyeol! I don't want to go and stop calling me 'Jonginnie'!"

"But you have to Jonginnie!"

Chanyeol whines and stomps his feet as if he were still a five year old. Sometimes, Jongin believed that Park Chanyeol was actually a five year old. Chanyeol grabs Jongin's arm and tries to pry his butt of the couch. 

"Aish! Why do I? He's your boyfriend not mine!"

Jongin is now lying face down across the couch with his right arm over the armrest, still being held onto by Chanyeol. The giant crouches down to eye level. 

"Because, Jongin, you're my best friend slash roommate and it doesn't make sense for you to not have met my sweetie~"

Chanyeol cooed that last word with a huge grin on his face. Jongin had long since sat himself upright on the couch and Chanyeol moved on to swinging Jongin's arm back and forth. 

"Come on!, Say you'll come! Come on! Pleeeaaassseee! We've been together for three months and you still haven't met him!"

Jongin wonders how in the world he ended up as this guy's roommate. He really couldn't understand how this man was older then him. 

He turns to look at Chanyeol. He really looked like a lovestruck puppy, big ears and all. He really didn't feel like going. At least not with everything going on, but he knew that Chanyeol wouldn't stop swinging his arm unless he agreed. 

"Fine, Chanyeol. I'll go. But, I swear, if you and Baekhyun start with some of your little public displays of affection and pretend like I'm not even in the room, I. Will. Leave."

Chanyeol plops himself next to Jongin and starts rapidly nodding his head as if he were a little kid on a sugar induced high. When he finally stop, Chanyeol gives Jongin a wide grin and drags him form the couch towards the front door. He tosses Jongin his leather jacket.

"Oh, and one more thing."

Chanyeol stops to turn around and face Jongin.

"STOP CALLING ME JONGINNIE!"

Chanyeol doesn't even flinch at Jongin's loud yelling. Instead, he nods and starts pushing Jongin to the door.

"Okay, okay, got it. Now, hurry up Jonginnie! I don't want to keep my sweetie waiting~!"

Jongin sighs in defeat at his friend's refusal to let go of his cringe-worthy nickname.

He barely has his shoes on before he's suddenly being yanked towards the door. Chanyeol drags Jongin by the arm, leading the way to the apartment on the floor below them.


	5. Introductions

Chanyeol enters the apartment as if it were his own; didn’t even bother knocking. He just waltzed right in. Chanyeol lets go of Jongin’s arm once they’ve made it into the living room; making sure that the front door is as far away as possible to prevent Jongin from escaping.

“Baekkie! I’m here!”

Baekkie?  
A skinny guy with light brown hair walks out of one of the bedroom doors. Jongin notices that the apartment layout is identical to the apartment he shares with Chanyeol.

“Yeollie!”

Yeollie?  
It seemed that Jongin wasn’t the only one with a cringe-worthy nickname. Baekhyun runs, with arms wide open, towards Chanyeol. Jongin goes completely unnoticed. Jongin watches as Chanyeol hugs his boyfriend, picks him up and swings him around in the air.

“Yeollie, I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too, Baekkie.”

Chanyeol presses his lips to Baekhyun’s. Jongin, on the other hand, has just awkwardly been standing there, watching the whole scene unfold before him. He clears his throat loud enough to remind the two lovebirds that, in fact, there is someone else in the room.

Baekhyun and Chanyeol both turn to look at Jongin. They stare at him. As if wanting to ask ‘who are you?’ and ‘what are you doing here?’ Jongin gives Baekhyun a small wave and gives his roommate and so called friend, a look.

“Yah! Don’t look at me like that!”

Jongin just smirks.

“And don’t be giving me that smirk either!

“I wouldn’t have to if you would at least remember the reason you brought me here in the first place.”

Chanyeol thinks for a moment. He looks confused. Jongin points to himself and then to Baekhyun. Chanyeol still doesn’t get it. Jongin face palms and lets out a sigh, while Baekhyun bursts out into laughter. Clearly, Chanyeol’s brain is only filled with Baekhyun at the moment. Jongin decided to take the initiative and introduces himself.

“Hi, I’m Kim Jongin, Chanyeol’s roommate.”

“And best friend!”

Chanyeol adds.

“Oh, so now you remember me?”

Baekhyun giggles and shakes Jongin’s hand.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Byun Baekhyun, Chanyeol’s boyfriend.”

Chanyeol throws himself onto Baekhyun’s couch and a grumbling sound can be heard coming from his stomach. A mischievous grin forms on his face.

“So, now that the two of you have met, why don’t we have a dinner party to celebrate?”

Baekhyun and Jongin look at Chanyeol. They hear his stomach growl. Jongin rolls his eyes.

“How shameless are you?”

“Just enough.”

Chanyeol grins. Jongin turns to Baekhyun.

“Your place, your call.”

Baekhyun thinks about it for a moment. He turns to look at his boyfriend who proceeds to demonstrate his best puppy face. Baekhyun smiles and shrugs.

“Sure, why not?”

*3o minutes later*

Chanyeol and Jongin are given the task of setting the table. Jongin notices a fourth plate setting. He looks at Chanyeol.

“Hey, why are there four plates on the table? Last time I checked there are only three of us here.”

“Gee, thanks for pointing out the obvious.”

Chanyeol sticks his tongue out at Jongin. Baekhyun turns to look over his shoulder.

“Chanyeol stop acting like a five year old.”

Jongin laughs; glad he isn’t the only one who thinks his roommate is still a child. Baekhyun then switches to look at Jongin.

“There are four plate settings because Kyungsoo is going to join us.”

Chanyeol nods repeatedly confirming the fact.

“Right, speaking of which, where is he anyway? Shouldn’t he be helping with dinner?”

Jongin looks at Chanyeol.

“Who’s Kyungsoo?”

Chanyeol’s eyes widen in realization and surprise.

“Oh right! You haven’t met him either.”

Jongin notices the sarcasm oozing from those words.

“What? Like it’s my fault? Excuse me! It’s not like I haven’t been busy with school and dance practice or anything.”

Chanyeol pouts at Jongin. In the kitchen, Baekhyun just laughs at the way the two roommates bicker. He brings the food to the table.

“Don’t worry Jongin. You’ll get to meet Kyungsoo too. He is my roommate after all.”

Chanyeol get excited. Jongin swears he saw his roommate’s ear perk up like a little puppy.

“Oh, so he is here?”

“Yeah. He’s just sleeping. He’s been putting in a lot of hours in school and not to mention all the singing practice he’s been doing.”

Jongin is surprised to hear Baekhyun has a roommate. He hadn’t heard of anyone in the apartment complex asking for a new roommate. The fact that Kyungsoo was a music major in singing didn’t faze him. As a dance major, he was surrounded by all kinds of different art majors.

“You know, in a way, Kyungsoo and Jongin both have that in common, don’t you think Yeollie?”

Confused, Jongin looks towards Baekhyun, seeking an explanation.

“They have what in common?”

“They’re always busy to spend time with friends.”

Both Chanyeol and Baekhyun nod in agreement and pout at Jongin, who in return rolls his eyes.

“Fine. I’ll admit to that, but if your roommate is always busy as well, then explain to me how Chanyeol knows him and I don’t?”

Instead of Baekhyun, Chanyeol replies.

“That’s easy. It’s because Kyungsoo and I are childhood friends. We grew up together.”

Chanyeol ends it with a smug smile and continues with a sarcastic remark.

“Hm, it seem you’re the only one out of the loop huh, roommie?”

Jongin narrows his eyes at Chanyeol.  
Meanwhile, Chanyeol takes the opportunity to pick at the food that Baekhyun had just brought out. Unfortunately, he gets his hand swatted away by his boyfriend.

“Aish! Why do you and Kyungsoo always do that?!”

“You’re supposed to eat AFTER all the guests have arrived!”

“Then go wake HIM up. I’m hungry.”

A door slam is heard at that moment and in walks a what seems to be a half awake, half asleep, Kyungsoo.

“Hey, roomie!”

“Hey, Bro!”

Chanyeol and Baekhyun both yell at the same time. Kyungsoo winces and whines at the sudden increase in noise. Chanyeol practically drags him the rest of the way to the table.

“Come, sit. Dinner is ready.”

Sometimes the giant puppy can only manage to think with his stomach when he’s hungry. Chanyeol has a mouthful of mashed potatoes and fried chicken in his mouth before he remembers and points his fork towards Kyungsoo.

“Oh yeah and meet my roommate, Kim Jongin.”

Chanyeol then points his fork towards Jongin.

Kyungsoo, who seems wide awake by now, turns and locks eyes with Kim Jongin and gives him a heart shaped smile.

“Hey, I’m Do Kyungsoo.”


	6. You Didn't Realize

From the moment Kyungsoo walked out of his bedroom, Jongin couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Time slowed down and Jongin stood there, frozen, observing the small man. Having just woken up, Kyungsoo sports some bed-hair. Jongin thinks that’s the sexiest thin he has ever seen. He admires Kyungsoo from head to toe. He notices how his smooth, white skin runs over his collarbone, peeking out behind Kyungsoo’s black v-neck. Jongin also takes note of the way Kyungsoo’s sweat pants hang loosely from the man’s hips. His eyes travel upwards, until he notices a pair of perfect lips. They were plump and had a tint of red to them. Jongin wondered if they felt and tasted as good as they looked.

“Jongin…Jongin…Jongin!”

Chanyeol waves his hand and Baekhyun snaps his fingers in front of Jongin’s face to get his attention.

“Hey are you listening?”

Jongin comes back to reality and realizes he’s just been staring at Kyungsoo this whole time. He’s suddenly very warm. Was it always this hot in here?

“Hey, Jonginnie, are you okay? You look really red.”

Chanyeol places a hand on Jongin’s forehead.

“And warm.”

Jongin swats Chanyeol’s hand away.

“Yes, hyung, I’m fine. I’m just hungry, yeah that’s it. Let’s eat.”

Jongin is nervous. He can feel his heart beating extremely fast. He wonders if it’s possible for someone’s heart to literally jump out of their chest.

“Alright, if you say so.”

Chanyeol turns his attention to Kyungsoo.

“Bro, good thing you woke up in time for dinner, Who knows if there still would’ve been food left, with Jongin here.”

Kyungsoo tilts his head sideways and narrows his eyes at Chanyeol.

“Really? Says the guy who is now stuffing his face with anything he can find.”

Kyungsoo turn towards Jongin. Jongin doesn’t think it’s possible for him to get any warmer, but, somehow, he does. He takes off his leather jacket to reveal bronze skin over toned muscular arms. The apartment had now turned into a sauna, for a variety of reasons. Trying to make conversation and save face after that embarrassing ‘staring at Kyungsoo’ fiasco, Jongin speaks. He turns to Chanyeol.

“So, you and Kyungsoo…you said you are childhood friends?”

“Yeah, we grew up in the same town. Our families knew each other so were kind of put together. We ended up being inseparable when were younger.”

Kyungsoo speaks up.

“Us? Inseparable? Please, you were just clingy, following me everywhere.”

“Nu-uh, you liked being around me! You were the clingy one.”

“Right, says the one who cried and whined when you found out that you and I weren’t going to be in the same class in 3rd grade.”

Chanyeol’s eyes widen as he stares at Kyungsoo. He points at him.

“Lies! All You speak is lies!

Kyungsoo returns the wide-eyed stare in a mocking way.

“Lies? Sure, but then what would you call the video proof I happen to have?”

Chanyeol still and Baekhyun loudly yells at Kyungsoo to let him see the video. Kyungsoo smirks.

“What? Did you think I would live around you unprotected against your love of telling embarrassing Kyungsoo stories?”

“You wouldn’t show anyone.”

“I don’t know,”

Kyungsoo turns to Baekhyun.

“You’re boyfriend over here seems pretty excited to see~”

Jongin enjoyed watching the dinner scene in front of him. He noticed Baekhyun get up, at some point, to try to calm the two bickering friends. Chanyeol had a spoon with food in hand while Kyungsoo had a piece of chicken in his. They were heading towards a food fight. Suffice to say that Baekhyun was not amused anymore. Jongin couldn’t help but grin. He liked to see Kyungsoo’s eyes get bigger than they already were. He liked it when his lips moved as he spoke, and how they turned into a beautiful heart-shaped smile.

Jongin started to think that he had heard Kyungsoo’s voice somewhere; it abounded very familiar. However, he didn’t dwell on that thought too much because he was too distracted by Kyungsoo’s laughter and smiling face. Jongin seemed to be falling hard for Do Kyungsoo and there was nothing in the world that could stop this attraction.

Kim Jongin noticed many things about Kyungsoo, but there were a few things he failed to see. He was so captivated by the elder that he failed to see the tinge of sadness that would pass over Kyungsoo’s eyes at random times. He failed that the heart shaped smile Kyungsoo wore, the smile that Jongin had now grown to love, didn’t seem to quite reach his eyes.


	7. A Bit Late

Jongin had a huge grin on his face all day Wednesday, and for the first time in a long time, he felt content. He felt complete. For the majority of his life he always felt like something was missing. Not anymore. He knew it was because of Kyungsoo and, of course, his sudden change in mood did not go unnoticed.

Chanyeol quickly caught on. He pestered his roommate enough for him to reveal the reason for his good mood. Chanyeol was more than a little surprised when Jongin told him that he had developed a crush on his childhood friend. Nonetheless, Chanyeol was going to be supportive; he deemed Jongin a good guy and he knew Kyungsoo needed some good in his life.

Now, Chanyeol being supportive didn’t mean that he was going to keep his mouth shut. He wasn’t going to help Jongin keep this a secret. Jongin was forced to agree to two weeks of doing Chanyeol’s chores and an ice-cream bribe to prevent Chanyeol from saying anything to Baekhyun and most importantly, to Kyungsoo. Jongin didn’t at all mind having to agree to chores since he was in a very good mood after all. His smile didn’t falter. He was so happy that he nearly forgot about D.O.’s promise at 6:15 pm that night.

*later that night*  
Wednesday night. At 6:15 pm. That’s when he realized. At first he thought he was imagining things. Maybe his infatuation with Kyungsoo was interfering with the processes of his brain. He could’ve sworn that he heard Kyungsoo’s voice over the phone, but the more he listened, the more the voice sounded like Kyungsoo’s.

The voice belonged to Kyungsoo. D.O. was Do Kyungsoo.

“Hey Kai, you still there?”

Jongin was too stunned at the new revelation that he could only manage to mutter a feeble reply.

“Y-yeah.”

“Good…actually I kind of can’t stay on the phone too long. I just wanted to make sure you were listening…I need to tell you something important.”

Recovering from the shock, Jongin starts to understand the situation he is in. He starts to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Guess he hasn’t figured out who I am…yet.

“Of course, D.O., I’m always listening.”

“Right…uhm…well…I really don’t know where to start.”

“It’s okay. Take your time.”

Jongin’s palms start to sweat while he waits for D.O./Kyungsoo to respond. His heartbeat quickens. He’s about to ask if D.O./Kyungsoo is okay, when the other finally speaks.

“Kai?”

“Yes, D.O.”

“Thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me?”

“Because you listened. Kai, you listened when no one else would. I’m thanking because you willingly put up with me. Having to listen to me go on and on about my day and my life.”

Jongin understands Kyungsoo’s words of gratitude, but all he can hear is sadness. Jongin is finding it hard to believe that the smiling laughing Kyungsoo he met the night before, could be this sad. This lonely. He had seemed happy.

“D.O., you don’t have to thank me. I’m always here for you and I didn’t ‘put up with’ anything. I liked listening to you speak. I could very well listen to you talk for days.”

Jongin wasn’t lying. He wanted D.O. to be happy, even before he knew who he really was. Jongin had really started to care about this man. He would do anything for him if it meant that D.O./Kyungsoo would be happy.

“I know Kai. You always say that. I know you meant it, but…”

Jongin has a bad feeling. His chest tightens, slowly. It’s suddenly gotten a bit difficult for him to breathe.

“But, what? D.O.?”

Kyungsoo sighs.

“Along with thanking you...I also want to apologize.”

“Apologize? What do you mean?”

Jongin becomes tense. He can practically hear his heart pounding in his ears. He can tell where this is going, but he hopes with every fiber of his body that he’s wrong.

“Kai, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasted your time. You probably could’ve spent it talking and listening to others. You could’ve helped them, but instead you were stuck with me. I am truly sorry. I’m just a lost cause.”

Hyung you’re not a lost cause.

“I know you tried to be there for me, but let’s face it. You don’t know me and I don’t know you. Not really.”

Wrong.

“I finally realized that this, what we’re doing, it isn’t real. You’re just the voice of a random guy on the other end of this phone call. You’re just a voice.”

Hyung.

“I really am alone, aren’t I? I’m just…just a nobody to you.”

Jongin can tell Kyungsoo is crying. He sounds broken. His voice is barely above a whisper. Jongin considers telling Kyungsoo the truth in hopes of being able to change his mind. However, Kyungsoo speaks up before Jongin can utter a single syllable.

“I’m really sorry, Kai, but I think it’s time for me to go. It’s for this to end. The pain is too much to bear. I’m sorry I’m so weak. Goodbye, Kai.”

Kyungsoo hangs up. Silence. Without giving it a second thought, Jongin dials 911 and runs out of the building. He mounts his motorcycle and hurries to Kyungsoo’s apartment. Begging and praying to, anyone and anything, not to take Kyungsoo away.


	8. Truths and Regrets

Chanyeol and Baekhyun are sitting in the waiting room. Baekhyun holds Chanyeol’s hand, while Chanyeol sits there staring at the hospital floor with an empty look in his eyes. Coming back from speaking to the doctor, Jongin walks in.

“Hyung.”

Chanyeol doesn’t respond.

“The doctor says they’ll have to keep him overnight for observation.”

Still, no response. Jongin looks to Baekhyun for a sign as to what he should do. Baekhyun shrugs and shakes his head.

“Hyung, you should go get some rest. I’ll stay here.”

At that, Chanyeol shakes his head. His voices wavering.

“No…I’ll stay. I need to be here for Kyungsoo. Jongin you go. You have morning classes anyway. You need to sleep.”

Chanyeol turns to Baekhyun.

“You go too. You don’t have to stay.”

Baekhyun cups Chanyeol’s face with his hand and looks him in the eyes.

“I’m staying.”

Chanyeol nods.

Jongin wants to protest and say that he’ll stay too, that it doesn’t matter whether he has morning classes or not, that he wants to stay here with Chanyeol and Baekhyun. He wants to say that he wants, he needs to stay near Kyungsoo, but he doesn’t. Instead, he goes home, just as he was told.

 

*at home*

Jongin lies in his bed staring at the ceiling. He felt guilty. He felt he didn’t have a right to ask to stay. He should’ve figured out that it was Kyungsoo the minute he heard him speak at the dinner. Maybe, he could’ve prevented all off this. Jongin swings his arm over his eyes. He feels a familiar pressure building, behind his eyes. Tears start to flow down his cheeks. After everything that happened that night, he finally starts to cry. He couldn’t get the image of Kyungsoo lying in the stretcher as he was being put in the ambulance, eyes closed and looking so fragile. Being alone, in the darkness of his room, does little to comfort.

That night, Kim Jongin cries himself to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been three days since Kyungsoo was admitted into the hospital. The doctor deemed it too dangerous, for his safety, to discharge him after what happened. Chanyeol has gone to visit, but it seems that he’s the only one doing any of the talking. In three days, Kyungsoo hasn’t said a word to Chanyeol.

Jongin only knows this because Baekhyun told him. It’s also been three days since Chanyeol has said a word to Jongin. Feeling extremely guilty about what happened, Jongin told Chanyeol the truth about Kyungsoo/D.O.

Jongin tried to apologize, but Chanyeol wouldn’t listen. Not that Jongin blamed him. What had happened isn’t something a simple apology could fix.

*flashback*

“Hyung, I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?! Jongin, you knew this whole time! And all you can say is sorry?!”

Chanyeol had been crying. His eyes were red and puffy, but after hearing what Jongin had to say, he was angry.

“I know. I feel so bad, but I didn’t know at the time!”

“He could’ve died! You do realize that, don’t you?! He is the closest thing I have to family and he could’ve DIED!”

An aching pain starts to form in Jongin’s chest. His throat starts to tighten, making it difficult to speak. His eyes begin to sting.

“Hyu-“

Chanyeol walks away from Jongin, making his way towards the front door. He storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him, leaving Jongin and Baekhyun in his apartment. Jongin goes to run after Chanyeol, but is held back by Baekhyun.

“Let him be. He just needs some time to think.”

Jongin sighs and throws himself onto the couch. Baekhyun takes a seat next to him.

“It’s not your fault you know.”

Jongin turns to Baekhyun.

“How can you even say that?”

“No one knew how he felt, Jongin. He fooled everyone.”

Jongin throws his head back.

“Don’t take anything Chanyeol said to you, to heart okay? He’s just hurt and confused. He didn’t mean it.”

Jongin hangs his head and stays silent.

“You know, Chanyeol probably feels the same way you do right about now.”

Jongin raises his head and looks at Baekhyun. He lets out an exasperated sigh.

“What are you talking about?”

Baekhyun takes a deep breath.

“I’m only telling you this because you’re Chanyeol’s best friend and because he considers you family.”

Jongin motions for him to continue.

“Apparently, Kyungsoo hasn’t been doing so well in school anymore. He’s been put on probation. I spoke to some of the music professors and they said that they hadn’t even seen Kyungsoo in a while.”

“Hyung, trust me, that much I know.”

“Right, but do you know the reason that made Kyungsoo this way?”

Jongin turns his body to face Baekhyun.

“9 months ago…Kyungsoo and his family were in a car accident. Both of his parents died instantly on impact. However, Kyungsoo and his hyung fell into a coma. Kyungsoo was under for a few weeks before he woke up…unlike his brother.”

“What do you mean?”

“Jongin, Kyungsoo’s brother never woke up.”

Jongin feels like the wind has been knocked out of him. He stays quiet and Baekhyun takes it as a sign to keep going.

“Kyungsoo went home to plan the funeral. Chanyeol went with him, but after the funeral…Chanyeol came back alone. Kyungsoo decided to stay in his hometown a bit longer. We don’t know what happened to Kyungsoo during that time, but when he came back…he just…he seemed alright. He seemed happy. I always thought it was weird that he recovered from that so fast. I’m his roommate I should’ve known that wasn’t the case.”

“Hyung.”

Baekhyun gives a weak smile.

“Just imagine, this is how bad I feel. After the accident Chanyeol promised himself that he would be there for Kyungsoo. That he would become the support his friend needed. He promised to protect him no matter what. Just imagine how bad Chanyeol feels. They grew up together. They knew each other’s families; they grew up like brothers. They knew everything about each other, but Chanyeol wasn’t able to see how badly Kyungsoo was struggling…”

*end of flashback*

 

*2 weeks later*

 

It’s the middle of the day and Jongin is still lying on his bed with his eyes closed. He should be at his dance practice, but considering all that has happened he is just too mentally drained. He doesn’t have the energy to do anything.

Chanyeol still wasn’t speaking to him. Kyungsoo also hadn’t spoken a word to Chanyeol in all the time he has been at the hospital. To make things worse, Kyungsoo also refuses to cooperate with the doctors and take his medication for his treatment.

Jongin is torn between his guilt and his want of going to see Kyungsoo. He wants to go see his face, his smile, his big round eyes, but every time he gets the courage to go, the tidal wave of guilt hits him, hard. Kyungsoo was hurting and Jongin did nothing to help. He could’ve have prevented all of this. How could Jongin present himself in front of Kyungsoo after all that’s happened? Kyungsoo probably still didn’t know who Jongin actually was. Chanyeol most likely wouldn’t have told him. Why would he? Chanyeol is probably happy that Jongin isn’t going to see Kyungsoo. Jongin figures the last thing Chanyeol wants is for him to go see Kyungsoo; a reason which only added to Jongin’s internal struggle.

Whilst struggling with his internal battle between his wants and his guilt, Jongin is interrupted by a loud slam. Baekhyun and Chanyeol were probably back home from the hospital. Baekhyun has been staying at their apartment for the past few days. Jongin was glad because Baekhyun kept Chanyeol company. Baekhyun’s presence also seemed to ease the tension between the two roommates, just a bit.

“Jongin!”

Baekhyun yells for Jongin from the living room. Chanyeol is in the kitchen, fuming, opening and slamming cabinet doors and drawers closed. Jongin walks into the living room and Baekhyun motions for him to take a seat on the couch next to him. They try to ignore the ruckus coming from the kitchen.

Baekhyun sees Jongin take a glance towards the source of the noise.

“Don’t worry about him. He’ll calm down soon enough.”

Jongin stretches his neck to see Chanyeol in the kitchen. SLAM!! Jongin flinches and wonders if what Baekhyun is saying can be true. He turns back to face Baekhyun.

“What is it hyung?”

“I have some good news.”

Jongin raises and eyebrow.

“It’s about Kyungsoo.”

Jongin’s heart skips a beat at the mere mention of Kyungsoo’s name.

“Good news?”

“Yeah. Listen…while Chanyeol and I were visiting him…he spoke.”

“He did?”

“Yeah, but…”

“But, what?”

“He only spoke to ask about you.”

Jongin’s eyes widen considerably in surprise. He’s extremely confused as to why Kyungsoo would ask about him. Jongin is snapped out of his momentary confusion when Chanyeol slams a cabinet door extra hard.

“W-Why w-would he ask a-about me?”

“Who knows, but he did.”

Jongin doesn’t notice Baekhyun’s small, knowing smile on his face.

“He asked to see you.”

It’s taking Jongin everything he has to keep calm and keep it together. Kyungsoo asked about me? He wants to see me? Why? Did he finally figure out who I am?

“He said that?”

“Well, not in so many words, but regardless, you should definitely go see him.”

Baekhyun and Jongin jump at the sound of a kitchen cabinet being violently slammed closed


	9. Thank You For Finding Me

“Just go in there and ask to see Kyungsoo!”

“But I thought you said he didn’t say he ‘wanted to see me’ in those exact words!”

“So? What’s your point?”

“So, my point is what am I doing here then?”

“Jongin, stop being so difficult and just go in already!”

“But you-”

Baekhyun forcibly shoves Jongin out of the car unto the cold hard sidewalk. Jongin is now standing outside the hospital, alone, watching the back of Baekhyun’s speeding car disappear as it rounds the corner.

He honestly doesn’t know why he is there. He wasn’t all too clear on whether Kyungsoo actually wanted to see him or not.

Jongin hadn’t planned on visiting Kyungsoo, but thanks to Baekhyun talking to Chanyeol, the tall one cooled off, surprisingly, and apologized for the way he had reacted. Chanyeol understood that Jongin wasn’t at fault for anything Kyungsoo did; he understood the elder’s troubles had been a long time coming. This new understanding then led to a lot of hugging and ‘I’m sorrys’. However, even then, as much as Jongin wanted to, as much as his heart begged him to, Jongin wasn’t going to visit Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun thought differently. They thought it would do Kyungsoo good to see Jongin and vice versa. The couple had been trying for one whole day to convince Jongin to visit Kyungsoo, to no avail. Deciding that enough was enough, Baekhyun and Chanyeol cooked up a plan to get stubborn Jongin to the hospital. Suffice to say that Jongin wasn’t at all amused when he found he wasn’t being taken to his favorite breakfast restaurant this morning. Instead, he was being abducted by a very relentless, Byun Baekhyun.

The result of said kidnapping has Jongin, outside the hospital, deciding whether to pass through its doors. He looks up towards the sky, as if expecting an answer to fall down. Jongin notices that it’s suddenly gotten a lot colder. He’s still looking up when he can see and feel drops of snow coming down. It had started to snow, which prompts Jongin to seek shelter inside the hospital.

 

Jongin finds himself standing right outside Kyungsoo’s door. He stared at the white door and read the name of the occupant on the name tag hanging on the side. He was considering whether to knock or just completely abort mission. He sighs. Better to just get this over with.

Jongin slowly raises his arm and knocks on the door. Seconds pass before he hears a voice telling him to come in. His heart jumps at the sound of that voice. He opens the door and walks in.

Kyungsoo is sitting on a chair, next to a desk, that the hospital seems to have provided for him; his back to Jongin. Kyungsoo is resting his head on his left palm, seemingly staring out through the window to the outside. It appears the snow has started to fall harder.

“I thought I told you that I won’t be taking any damn medications!”

Kyungsoo turns around in his chair, only to be met with Jongin’s presence rather than the hospital nurse’s. His eyes widen in surprise. He hadn’t expected to see him.

Meanwhile, Jongin grows a bit concerned in confirming the information he had heard from Baekhyun about Kyungsoo refusing to take his meds.

“Why are you not taking your medications?”

Kyungsoo composes himself and exchanges his look of surprise for one of annoyance.

“What do you care? What the hell are you even doing here anyway?

“Uhm…well…I just came to see how you were doing.”

Kyungsoo scoffs.

Finally being able to see Kyungsoo, face to face, Jongin takes in the small man’s appearance. He’s gotten even smaller in size. He seems to have lost a lot of weight; his arms look as if they could break with the slightest of touches. The white hospital clothes only making Kyungsoo look paler than he already was. There are dark circles under his eyes, which seem to be even wider than they already were. It must be due to the fact that his whole face seems sunken in; his cheekbones being extremely pronounced.  
Jongin looks to the side and notices an untouched tray of food. The soup on the tray having already lost its steam from the heat must mean the food has been there for some time.

“I see you haven’t been eating.”

“And as I said before: What. Do. You Care?”

Jognin can’t believe that the Kyungsoo in front of him is the same one he has met before. He can’t possibly compare him to the smiling and laughing Kyungsoo he had met at the dinner in Baekhyun’s apartment. Not even to the broken Kyungsoo he had spoken too so many times before.

This Kyungsoo just didn’t seem to care. He didn’t care about taking his medications or eating to stay healthy. He wasn’t making an effort to better himself; he refused to. This Kyungsoo didn’t seem to care if his decisions hurt him or the people around him who truly cared. This Kyungsoo had completely given up.

Jongin wasn’t expecting this type of response. Frankly, he didn’t expect himself to start getting annoyed and irritated because of Kyungsoo.

“How would you know if I care or not? You don’t seem to give a damn about the people around you. As if you don’t know what the meaning of ‘caring’ is. So, how can you sit there and tell me what it is that I am feeling?”

Jongin was angry. For weeks he had been lying in bed worried, stressing and feeling guilty. He spent weeks thinking about Kyungsoo, wondering if he was doing well and wondering if he had done things differently would Kyungsoo be home in his own bed surrounded by the people who love him, rather than alone in a hospital room. There were so many sleepless nights, tossing and turning. All for what?

What pissed Jongin off even more was that Kyungsoo had the audacity to claim he knew that Jongin didn’t care.

“You don’t know what it is I have endured these past weeks. I thought you were dying! You have no idea how much I worried about you! So, don’t you dare say that I don’t care!”

Silence. Kyungsoo and Jongin hold each other’s gaze. They’re quiet for a few minutes. Kyungsoo is the one who breaks the silence.

“Fine. Then don’t pretend to care.”

“What? Pretend? How pray tell am I pretending?”

“You only met me that one time at the dinner and now you’re here telling me this big story of how you worried about me, when in fact we never in met before that stupid dinner!”

Jongin stills. It’s true. Technically, he and Jongin had never met before that dinner. There really was no logical reason that could explain why Jongin cared so much.

Kyungsoo rises from his chair and moves to sit on the bed instead. Jongin takes the spare seat near the window.

“Do you really not know? Do I have to spell it out for you?”

“W-what are you talking about?”

Kyungsoo looks at Jongin.

“Kai.”

Wait, so he did figure it out.  
Jongin opens his mouth to speak, but Kyungsoo motions for him to just listen.

“I knew since the dinner and frankly I’m tired of hiding the fact that I know. I’m just so tired.”

Jongin’s eyes widen.

“Wait you’ve known since then?! Why didn’t you say anything?”

Kyungsoo has a bored and tired expression now. He looks away from Jongin.

“Why would I have said anything? You obviously didn’t care enough to notice.”

Jongin doesn’t say anything because, in a way, it’s true. He didn’t notice. Not until it was too late.

“You didn’t notice at the dinner. At first I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I was expecting you to figure it out when I called that last time, but you didn’t.”

But I did figure it out.

Jongin opens his mouth to speak again, but Kyungsoo continues, still not turning towards Jongin.

“You obviously didn’t care enough to recognize my voice. So, why would I have said anything? “

Kyungsoo pauses for a moment. He looks pained; struggling to find his next words.

“When I lost my family I was completely lost. I had lost everything. It was going to be my first year in university and I had lost everyone I cared about. I tried to take the burden off of my parent’s shoulders by, at least, finding a way to pay for school on my own. I had worked so hard to get the full scholarship. I trained my voice and practiced my singing day and night. Soon, singing became my whole life, and for what? What was the use of spending all my time practicing to better myself? None of it means anything if I can’t be with my family. They were the reason I tried so hard and I lost them all. I lost my reason to keep going.”

A dark shadow envelops Kyungsoo; his face looking somber.

“Everyone said that they knew how I felt. Right. As if they knew what it was like to lose their entire family overnight. I woke up one day and had no one. I expected my hyung to wake up, but he never did. No one understood that pain. Not even my friends. I wasn’t going to burden them with trying to make them understand either. Chanyeol had grown up with me and knew my family, practically growing as part of my family. It made sense that he would understand at least part of what I was going through. So, when Chanyeol tried to help, I was okay, at least in that moment. I didn’t feel so alone because I had him and we would get through what had happened together. That changed soon after Chanyeol met Baekhyun. Now my best friend had someone else to keep him company. He became happier. He didn’t have a walking reminder of that accident to deal with anymore.”

With tears in his eyes, Kyungsoo tries to force a smile. He’s shaking. Jongin fights the urge to get up from his chair and go towards the elder. He knew that Kyungsoo needed to do this, he needed to let everything he had bottled inside, out.

“There was no one for me. At least that’s what I thought, until I met you.”

Kyungsoo looks up to see Jongin.

“Figuratively speaking, anyway. Our relationship never went beyond that of just two people and a phone call every Wednesday and Friday. You listened to me, but after realizing at the dinner that you didn’t know who I was…it crushed me. I actually believed I had you! Even with the phone call you still didn’t know! We had talked to each other for so many months, even I noticed! If you would’ve just paid, even an ounce, of attention you would’ve noticed! It was my voice! So, don’t came here saying that you care. Don’t pretend that you care. You don’t care!”

Kyungsoo looks at Jongin with pleading eyes, genuinely asking him to stop pretending. He looked so hurt, so vulnerable.

Jongin doesn’t know what to say. He didn’t think his mistake had inflicted Kyungsoo with so much pain. That was the last thing he wanted to do. Because of him, Kyungsoo was now hurting even more.

“I’m sorry.”

That’s all Jongin manages to say; the forming lump in his throat, preventing any further verbal interaction.

Kyungsoo just nods, still trying to maintain a straight face.

“Then, if there’s nothing else…”

The elder motions towards the door.

“There’s the door.”

Kyungsoo lies down on his side, facing away from Jongin.  
It’s not certain when the change in Jongin happened, but in that moment everything was made clear. If Jongin stepped through that door, there was a big chance that nothing between Kyungsoo and him would be fixed; that he and Kyungsoo wouldn’t have a chance. He wasn’t going to risk that. Jongin wasn’t going anywhere; he wasn’t going to say goodbye to Kyungsoo. Not ever. Without realizing, his feelings for the elder had transformed into something to more than just a mere crush.

Jongin made his way to the bed, to lie down next to Kyungsoo. He enveloped him in an embrace. Jongin could feel the warmth radiating from Kyungsoo’s back as he wrapped his arms around the elder’s waist. He closes his eyes and nuzzles closer to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo stiffens. He thrashes around trying to pry Jongin off of him. Jongin only holds him tighter.

“What are you doing?!”

“Hugging you.”

“I can see that…why?”

“Because I want to. Why? You don’t like me hugging you?”

“N-no.”

Jongin takes note of the stutter. He tightens his hold and speaks; mouth near Kyungsoo’s ear.

“Are you sure?”

As if responding to Jongin, Kyungsoo’s body gradually relaxes and Kyungsoo sinks himself deeper into Jongin’s arms.  
Minutes pass by in silence, both enjoying the closeness of one another. As always, Kyungsoo breaks the silence.

“What are we doing?”

“I’m hugging you.”

“Obviously, but that’s not what I mean.”

“Well what do you want to be doing?”

Kyungsoo elbows Jongin, not at all amused by Jongin’s answer. Jongin laughs.

“Hyung, you should really get your mind out of the gutter.”

Jongin only receives another elbow to his stomach.

“I’m serious. What are you still doing here?”

“I just want to be here.”

“But why?”

“Because I want to be here with you. Isn’t that enough of a reason?”

Kyungsoo gets quiet. Jongin summons the courage to speak and to ask something of Kyungsoo.

“Kyungsoo, I know I hurt you. You have to believe me when I say that I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. The last thing I wanted was for you to be hurting. I did realize it was you all this time, but unfortunately, yes, I realized too late. You have no idea how sorry I am. I know you’re angry, but please…”

Jongin pauses and takes in a deep breath.

“Please don’t push me away. I want to be near you, I want to help you heal. I told you before that life will only get better if you make the first move to try to better yourself. I want to be your support and help you get through this. Please let me stay here, by your side. I know it doesn’t make sense-”

Kyungsoo turns around to face Jongin, interrupting the younger.

“What if I say no?”

Jongin smirks; a mischievous look forming in his eyes.

“I was really hoping you would choose to do this the easy way.”

Kyungsoo clutches onto the front of Jongin’s shirt and inches closer to the younger, placing his forehead on the younger’s chest. He starts crying and his hold on the shirt tightens. Jongin holds onto him again, chin on top of Kyungsoo’s head. He tries to calm the elder by softly rubbing his back.

“It’s okay Kyungsoo, you’re not alone anymore. I’m here now.”

Jongin pulls away enough to be able to see and cup Kyungsoo’s face with his hand. He wipes Kyungsoo’s tears away. There gazes meet and Jongin gives the elder a reassuring smile.

“I’ll be here always.”


End file.
